For the Locals: Rolly Polly Soccer

Cross-posted from Urban Vancouver.

After a rousing game of croquet, Mark (of Raincity fame) suggested that we start an informal, non-competitive weekly soccer game. This sounded like a great idea, and Rolly Polly Soccer was born.

To play, you must adhere to the following guidelines:

  • You must suck at soccer. The more talentless, the better.
  • This will be a non-competitive game. Anybody who exhibits any form of competitive spirit will receive a yellow card. Keep it up, it’s a red card and the Time Out Corner for you, Sport.
  • You must have a history of non-athleticism. Former high school and university jocks are not welcome.
  • Jocks of any kind are not welcome.
  • No cleats are allowed.
  • Both genders are welcome.
  • Again, it’s freakin’ non-competitive.

Mark’s providing the ball and I’m locating something to serve as goalposts. Our first game will be this Sunday:

Rolly Polly Soccer
Johnathan Rogers Park (Manitoba and West 7th, here’s the satellite photo)
Sunday, July 24 at 4:00pm

UPDATE: Whoops, that’s July, not August 24. This Sunday.

We’ll probably schedule games for future Sundays, should this one go well.

I can’t emphasize the non-competitive component enough. I’ve tried playing in a couple of ‘recreational’, beginner soccer leagues, and the testosterone was freakin’ ridiculous. Not only was everyone hyper-aggressive, but this balkanization went on, where the Italians loathed the Brazilians, who loathed the Croatians, and so on. It was truly absurd.


  1. I’m seriously tempted – a few years ago i thought I’d join a community soccer league in Edmonton and was bowled over by the uber-competiteveness.

    The more I think about it, ya, this sound great. I hate commitment but, yes, count me in! My non-athleticism will be readily apparent.

  2. Non-competitive? bad at sports? I am *so* interested!

    I’m having grade school flashbacks of being picked last for teams and no one passing to me!

  3. Wow, if I ever heard something that applied to me… If only you’d also listed “must have been picked last for teams when you were unable to feign an illness well enough to avoid playing entirely” …

    Still, I’d be more interested in being a goalpost; so long as there’s wi-fi….


  4. I would like to play but can’t this weekend. My schedule is severely wonky, but please let me know when you play the next game.

  5. Can you play if you can’t run? I can kick a ball respectably well (or at least I could when I was 8, right?) but I can’t run. Oh, and I squirm if things come flying at my head.

    There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.

    Oh, also I can’t play this Sunday. That’s the ultimate in non-competitive.

  6. I know what you mean by the competitiveness…beer leagues are a nightmare, frustrated hockey buffoons clattering into you. I had a Chilean kid in a Man Yoo jersey break my ankle 7 years ago and not even feel bad, he was all about the Liverpool hating. Tribal and stupid, you can’t escape it.

    I suggest having rotating subs, after about 5-10 minutes in a 5-a-side one might need a sit-down if fitness isn’t there.

  7. I got at least one rolly polly Brit coming for the “footy” and a regulation FIFA ball. Though that’ll be the only regulation thing about this game.

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