Do you want to have kids? If so, why? Or, if you already have kids, why did you have them?
This is a touchy subject, and one I can’t reasonably ask most people. Those who are parents or pregnant may take offense, and most of those who aren’t generally can’t supply satisfactory answers on the spot. Either they haven’t decided, or aren’t able or willing to articulate their reasoning. In truth, it’s none of my business. So, I thought I’d ask the anonymous masses instead.
And feel free to respond anonymously–those name and email adresses boxes aren’t required. Don’t draw any conclusions about my reproductive future from this post. It’s strictly an academic exercise here.
My query is in part inspired by a discussion I had with a friend of mine, and in part by this recentish CBC article that reports that we’re having fewer children than we have for nearly a hundred years.
On a side note, there’s an egregious error in the final sentence of this article, which reads: “Italian women are the least fertile according to this statistic, producing only 1.2 babies in 2002.” The most common and biological definition of fertile is ‘capable of breeding or reproducing’. The other popular definition means ‘producing many offspring’. Clearly, when you apply a modifier to the word ‘fertile’, it must be used in the first context. That’s probably not what the writer meant.
That kind of shatters the myth about big Italian families, doesn’t it? And how come the Americans are producing, on average, 0.5 more babies than us?
DarrenBarefoot.com 
Well.
The world is wide, wicked and wonderful. The urge to share magic, vision and knowledge is/was powerful and magnetic for me. While I didn’t dutifully set out to have kids, I didn’t work against the idea either – and when the news about Ryan came, my first fear was “How can I possibly show him everything there is to see in 18 short years?”
That question’s since dissolved, as it’s obvious now that the objective here isn’t to squeeze content into that time, but rather I’ve got it available to me to develop and instill the eyes with which he can find those things for himself.
Nearly four years later Sarah too was unplanned, but very, very welcome – as I grew up as an only child and my most consistent memory of being a kid, rich and varied as that time was, was the absence of someone to share it with. Imagine, cause trouble and discover with. I carried a pretty big, heavy, nebulous ball of questions and information about everything around me, and it had nowhere to go. Instead, I kept it to myself until I was old enough to write about it. I was grateful Ryan might be spared some of that.
I’m Italian- I’m not an advocate of big families, nor did I come from one. We won’t have any more kids. Economics (micro, and macro), environment, social responsibility – all suffer from unchecked population growth. And to be selfish, I just couldn’t keep up with or attend to any more than I’ve got. Some of this time, these experiences – down the road – need to be solely mine.
But while we’re all here in the same place together, the reward I get in seeing what they see and discover, what clicks, what they attach to and what they reject, what they invent and what they challenge… how their ‘eyes’ are developing… has no equivalent.
Thinking about it now, I think in some ways I viewed having kids as making up for all the lost time. To quiet that strong, wicked craving to share/show the world – I’ve given myself two best friends, partners in crime, ‘pseudo-siblings’ (the ones I’d lived so long without)… students, teachers.
My mind and soul were full. I started pouring, and two children grew.
I find myself asking so many questions about whether or not I want to have kids. But, I can’t come up with any answers. I’m 30 years old and I’m very much confused. I’m confused as the first time I seriously started thinking about the subject. Yes, I come from big Mexican-American family (seven brothers and two sisters along with a single mother) that was very dysfunctional, according to American standards. Therefore, I can come up with a million reasons why I shouldn’t have kids. But I still don’t know whether or not I want kids in my life. There is a little problem I want to confess. IM SINGLE and maybe that’s why I’m thinking about children so much these days, to cure boredom!!!!! While in college, I told myself I would wait until I had enough money and my career was established. I soon finished college and started my career. Soon I connived myself to wait a little longer and finish graduate school. After graduate school I went right back to square one, do I want to have kids? What’s happening with me?
I am now mature enough, I think, to question many things about life and spirituality. I heard in a radio station, Christian Radio, that having a child was not for our personal pleasure or satisfaction. Having a child was simply a work of God (can’t remember all the details). What do you guys think?
Anyhow, I think that I should stop asking myself whether or not I want children. Instead I’m going to pray that God sends a good hearted woman my way. Then, maybe then, we can both talk about it. What does everybody think?
Its hard to say why we want kids. As a 20 years old girl, I dont know yet the real reason why I want some. But talking with some people, I got few reasons why they wanted some or dont want any.
Some wanted kids because its a tradition, because they love kids, because they want to comtinue the family line, but that last reason often brings parents fighting about what last name they will have (he will have my name! No, mine!, etc.) I saw few fights of that kind.
Those who dont want kids came up with these reasons:
– I love kids, but I’m not patient enough (Let’s say they dont really have courage)
– I’ll have to wait untill I make more money (Don’t want to break down their liberty)
– In this crazy world we live in, you don’t want any kids. You put them in danger as soon as you give birth. (It’s the only reason that makes sense to me for not having kids)
My sister has the worst reason why she wats kids (it may change, i hope, cause she’s only 15 y-o): She think babies are cute. Its the only reason yet. But she plays with them as she does with dollies.
The subject is interesting, I’ll try to come up with some other theories.
-pea
I posted a long post on my blog about this before I even saw your post.. hah. So, my answer is there, not here. 🙂 I’ll send a trackback your way.
Oh, and sociologists use the word “fertile” to refer to the number of children produced. So a less fertile country produces less children. It doesn’t have to do with potential or capability.
It confused me at first, too. My sociology teacher explained that one last week, and my text suddenly made a lot more sense.
I’m a female who’s childless by choice. I’ve always believed that the fact that we were biologically capable of doing domething was not imperative enough to proceed.
Part of my decision was at one time based on the fact that my childhood wasn’t very happy and I had no wish to raise a child with the negative attitudes I was exposed to as a youngster. Now that I’m a bit older and feel that I could perhaps make a contribution to society by bringing up a good soul I’m left with the question of why I would choose to do so.
At times I feel selfish for enjoying my life as it is, with all my time spent on pursuits of my desires. (I’ve returned to school full-time, something that would have been decidedly more difficult if I had to take into account child rearing.) But at times having a child seeems very selfish: why add to the world’s population simply in order for your genes to be propogated?
I’m also intrigued by the coincidence of your previous post WRT crime. I think that society is generally not headed in a positive direction. Part of this may be due to competition for limited resouces. Again, why add to the world’s population just because we are capable of doing so?
I believe that mankind, as sentient beings, should behave responsibly, not simply react to animal urges. Reacting to animal urges *is* good at times but can be done without making babies!
I have one child… and I will never trade her for the world… I have always wanted kids.. to continue my blood line.. weather it be under another name or not… I know that my little one is very special and close to me.. and I’m a sucker for her… why did we choose to have her… well it was simple… no Cable TV at our place…
I think kids are lovely creatures, when they belong to other people. My baby sister is adorable — she’s honestly a wonder to behold. And I am *so* glad when I can give her back to our mother.
And, there’s a big enough age difference between us that I figure she can support me in my old age. 🙂 Mom & I have joked that we’ll both be living with her by the time we retire… so I’ve asked Mom to make sure that she’s got a high opinion of money so that she can afford us. 🙂
Kids are nice, but I’d rather have my ferret. When he pisses me off, I can put him in a cage. When you do that to a kid, you get put in jail. What a world…
Q: Why are only women responding on this topic?
The first two possible answers to come to mind are:
1) this question strikes closer to home with us.
2) the majority of blog readers are female.
Either way, I’d be curious to hear from guys that choose to be childless; there must be some out there (besides my BF – who prefers to remain free to play at, and spend on, extreme sports)…
Life is hard enough, why should I burden myself with poop and puke from a screaming brat that is going to diminish my quality of life and income, just to turn into an ungrateful, disrespectful teenager – I already get that for free from others kids! Oh sure they can occassionaly be cute or say something funny, but they are only angels when they are asleep. It’s awesome when they say I love you, but soon it becomes a line to get what they want, say by 4 if they’re a late bloomer! They aren’t here for you, and won’t be when you’re older, they (like yourself) are here for themselves! A dog is the closest thing to unconditional love you will ever experience from another being, and their whole life they will be genuinely happy to see you.
i’ve never had any kind of biological urge and, in all honesty, the thought of producing a small, fragile creature which will be dependant upon me for their every need, want and desire for, in the worst case, their entire lives just makes me panic.
i’m more than happy to let the people with the desire and patience reproduce while i’m every kid’s favourite aunt hessie.
Hey “j” …. I hate to say it but I think I’m male… “looks at HIMself” yup.. I’m male….
oops, sorry!
I would like to contribute following to this discussion:
”It struck me that I’d heard a lot of engineers say they wished they hadn’t worked so hard on a start-up company, a lot of professors say it was a shame that they’d put their research ahead of their marriage, a lot of lawyers question their value to society, but I’d never heard anyone say he or she regretted time spent raising children. What would happen to my friends if they didn’t realize their goals? Even worse, what would happen if they did realize those goals, then came to see them as not sufficient?
Thinking about all these friends growing older, unmarried, and childless, I shuddered the way I would watching a family stake their whole fortune on double-zero at a Vegas roulette table. “
I got above from Philip Greenspun’s book called “Travels with Samantha” last chapter.. Book is available on line. The book is not about family or children but his conclusion stuck in my mind for some reason.
“Travels with Samantha” web site: http://www.photo.net/samantha/table-of-contents
Never?! I have asked dozens of parents if they would change a thing, every one answered a resounding yes! From ‘would have waited’, to ‘would’ve stopped at one’, to ‘wouldn’t have had any’, all quickly adding they “love” the ones they have – which sounds more like fear of saying such a thing may endanger their kids if they aren’t grateful, than the complete truth. Yes, I think they love them, but no I don’t think they like them. From the damage done to the mothers body to the stress on the parents relationship(s), to the missed opportunities. If the child was truly the center of interest for those folks they would have made the time, it’s their guilt that the child was not that makes for later regret, in an attempt to satisfy everyone. I changed my career and lifestyle for a dog, so truthfully it can be done for a child, if so desired.
I don’t have children because I don’t want children. I never really did. I’m admittedly selfish and there are too many things I want to do that being a parent would not allow. IF I wanted to be a “good” parent.
Those of us who are childless-by-choice seem to take it pretty hard and often from those among us who thinks everyone should be a breeder. Have your babies you probably cannot afford and won’t have enough time to spend with in a way that allows them vital good self-esteem, and leave us alone who don’t want them.
Not you, Darren, but the collective you (of course).
I haven’t got them yet, but I know I’ll get around to it eventually. If you’d asked me three or more years ago I would have said “Children? Yeugh! Not me, thanks!” However, lately I’ve been starting to think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Hardly a ringing endorsement for procreation.
I’m afraid to admit that having children will probably be a very ego-driven activity for me. I’m going to be one of those horrible mothers who wants her children to be the best at something… anything, really. Or not even the best – just to try really hard. Even knowing that I’m going to put my children through a hellish childhood, I still think I can do the world a favour by reproducing. After all, my parents did a pretty good job on me. The world needs more people with good brains and a good self-esteem. If I can produce some, then I’m making a positive contribution.
Plus, I’ll need someone to whom I can bequeath my corporate empire.
Sue: If you’d like, I’d be happy to inherit your millions. I’m looking for a sugar daddy/mommy to support me in my old age in case the sister route doesn’t pan out.
Hi Darren,
I came across your website during the “Flowers for Al and Don” heyday and I have checked back every little while since then for the great links and commentary. Anyway, I am 35 and I just had my second child. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me and my husband. We did want kids – he was a little worried before our daughter was born but got over it very quickly. There is indeed something magical and amazing about the process of growing some new human beings and the act is by far not suitable for those who are selfish or who think that having kids is going to cut into their “me time”. Especially for women, it can be overwhelming to give your self over to these needy, helpless creations for the time that they need you. But to keep it in perspective, that time is relatively short over a lifespan.
I chose to leave the corporate life and the attendant salary and benefits (which were not inconsiderable) after our daughter was born in 2000. My reason for this was primarily selfish for me, I was having too much fun to want to go back to work! I am sure that I can make that kind of money again but I did not want to miss out on my kids being little.
I am by the way a complete feminist who never ever imagined I’d be happy as a stay at home mom but there you go. I still work freelance at night and a bit during the days occasionally just because I love my work. I am really fortunate that my clients do not mind me bringing my son onsite with me when I have to come do work there.
My husband also enjoys being a dad a tremendous amount and always complains when he has to work too much that he is missing the kids. (He is self-employed as well so gets lots of dad time with them.)
I agree with the poster above who mentioned the chance to bring sane-minded individuals into a world with all too few of them, however this can be a crapshoot. I say this because my own father is a stout Republican who we used to reprimand for racist jokes, and wound up with three devoutly lefty kids!! Yes he does feel ganged-up on sometimes, poor guy…
Finally, the ties of family are too strong to ignore. Even when you disagree, your family still loves you (usually!) and I really do feel badly for people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t stand the thought of having kids. I always wonder what their holidays will look like when they are old. To me, having a child is part of what really makes people part of the human race. There is nothing that will fill your heart and break it at the same time like looking into the face of your own child.
I’m always interested (and curious) when I hear people cite ‘loss of freedom/money’ as a reason for not having children. Not because it doesn’t make sense from a logical perspective, but because this just hasn’t been my overall experience (though admittedly, it appears to be for many and I’m unsure where the differences lie).
My kids are 9 and 13 now, and thinking back.. I’m having a hard time coming up with many, if any, circumstances wherein I felt ‘held back’ or trapped in some way for having had children. If we wanted to go on a 3 day backpacking trip, we did. We took them with us and they helped navigate, carry supplies and they brought back funky photos from their own perspectives. If we wanted to strike out on a 6000+ mile road trip, we did. We took them with us, and they learned more about geography, cartography and fuel economics on that trip than they ever did in school.
As for being able to spend money on the things we dig, like sports and photography and traveling and books (etc..) – I saw little impact there, either. In fact, because I couldn’t see throwing the kids in daycare every day (and eventually ended up homeschooling them), I told corporate america to kiss my ass and started freelancing from home. Now both Shane and I work from home, and with the kids having no school calendar to follow anymore, we’re free to go and do as we please, and everything’s an opportunity. Like the 6 week road trip we’re taking in August/September.
And between us, we’ve got more disposable income now than we ever had pre-kids – our selfish economic interests (and of course we have them) haven’t suffered much, if at all.
To not want children because you don’t feel you’ve got the patience or the interest in one thing, and entirely a noble decision, given 1) the overpopulation of a planet that can barely sustain the bodies it’s currently got, and 2) the number of children born into indifferent/unloving families because they weren’t careful or didn’t think their decisions through. There are a hundred reasons not to have kids, and those who’ve made that decision for themselves have my respect, as do those who choose to have kids for conscientious reasons.
But for those who might otherwise consider having children, with the sole reason for hanging back being that perceived loss of freedom/income – I think it’s wise to remember that (like anything else) parenting is what you make of it. Before children, and after children, you alone are responsible for the life you create for yourself.
If you choose to raise your children in a ‘traditional, stable, linear, safe, suburban’ environment, then yes.. you’ll likely experience some losses. But if you choose to think of children as open minded, intelligent, curious sponges with the capacity and flexibility for a wide range of experiences, you’re not afraid to get out there and show them the world, you’re intuitive enough to know what the necessities really are (not just what society assumes them to be), you’re creative enough to mold your life and career into what you want it to be to accommodate your lifestyle, and you’re willing to take a few chances with yourself and your securities… then having kids can create more experiences and exciting for you than it takes away.
I’m not a believer that the perfect suburban family home is the producer of trophy children. The most intelligent, fun, funky, worldly, happy and well-adjusted kids I’ve known are those that’ve come from families you can’t fit into a box, those that place more value on experiences and togetherness and play and exploration than they do appearances and honor societies and soccer practice and the same address for 20 years, and the status quo.
It is odd that no one else has mentioned this, but we are planning on adopting.
Why? Because I have no “need” to give birth, because any child born to us would most likely be guaranteed a loving and bountiful life, while there are so many others in the world who may never have that chance.
We get some grief over this decision (though not from my parents oddly enough). Other people seem to think that we should feel obligated to breed – supposedly we are too intelligent, too good-looking, too loving not to have our own children.
Often I am told (mostly by men) that my biological clock with kick in, and then WATCH OUT. Well I’m 30, when is it supposed to kick in? Last month I had a two-day-late scare (first time ever) that had me in tears over my career, over my ability to carry a child for 9 months, etc. etc. – don’t you think that clock would have clicked in then?
DB, if you want more info, you know where to find me.
To the person who said that they “feel badly for those so wrapped up in themselves they don’t want to have kids,” um, yah… thanks.
Why?
I’m not sure people who’ve had their hormones yanked around by nature to force them to care unequivocally for a helpless creature – by necessity – can necessarily pass judgement on those who choose to follow the primary imperative over the secondary one.
Having kids, biological kids, in a world where we have so many starving and orphaned children, is selfish. Completely selfish. There is absolutely no justification whatsoever for not adopting. None. Saying “there’s a special bond” is an excuse for selfishness – biologically driven, sure, but nevertheless – and any other justification is just that, a justification.
It doesn’t matter if you made the ingredients yourself, or if you bought them from a bakery and put them in the oven when you got home. They rise up the same (for good or ill or mediocre or brilliant).
Why did we have a kid? Mainly because my wife and I both believed our respective doctors when they told us we were infertile and we didn’t bother with “protection” as a result.
Oooooooops.
The oops in question is named Ashlyn and she turns three this August. There was a lot of nail-biting when we first found out Jen was pregnant, but we can’t imagine life without our daughter now. She is a constant source of pride and joy for us.
Why do people say selfish like its a bad thing? *sigh*
Devon: Historically, our culture has placed a very high value on self-sacrifice and selflessness. After all, sacrifice is at the core of the Christian values upon which our society has been built. Of course, selflessness isn’t strictly a Christian philosophy, it’s central to Buddhism as well. I can’t speak to Islam, but would be interested to hear from those who can.
Most of our heroes, legendary and real, (up to and including, say, Mother Theresa, Mandela or Ghandi) were concerned with essentially unselfish acts.
Personally, I’m a big advocate of humility and being unselfish. I don’t succeed at either often enough, but if there was a part of my character I could improve, that would be it.
I am a married woman of 32 and I don’t want kids because I don,t want to get fat, change my lifestyle and mess up my sleep. Plus the little buggers get on my nerves.
I thought when I was young that I wanted children but then realised as I got older that it’s just something we grow up thinking that people do once they’re married, it’s the next step. I ask people how they would feel if they were given a 6-year old or a teenager and the response is very different to being given a baby. The fact seems to be that people want babies, but infancy is such a minute part of this new person’s life. If you are going to be a parent you have to accept that you may have a really difficult teenager in your house day-in day-out for years. Or you may have a child that is so sick you are unable to have what you consider a life, for devoting ALL your time to the child’s care. Unfortunately, most people nowadays are so sick fed up of their children that they refuse to provide them a safe house to hang out in with their friends and therefore they hang about the street, but as long as they’re not bugging their parents! Others shove their kids in front of a TV or a computer game, I see very few parents who spend as much time talking and playing with their children as I do with my nieces. Quality time with family is what makes for stable children. My parents always allowed us to have our friends over, as any decent parent would, they got to know our friends and did not put their need for peace and quiet first. If my parents had a social evening with friends over for dinner, we joined them and everyone talked to us as people, then they had their adult-time once we went to bed. It seems now that out of sight is out of mind and many parents are too busy reliving their childhood to bother with someone in their house who may be a bit of a hindrance to their social life. If you commit to having children then you commit to providing for them, taxi-ing them around, teaching them right from wrong and putting their needs before your own for 18 years. I would struggle with any child of mine having to be around kids that have been brought up by parents that don’t do this.
I realised in my early 20’s that I didn’t want children. The very wanting of children I see as quite selfish, the children do not get any say in being born. If someone feels a deep biological urge then I have no problem with that, but so many people, when pressed, will admit that they want someone who will love them unconditionally or someone to look after them in their old age and bring that person up believeing that to be their role. Who’s selfish? Would you have a child if you knew in advance that at 16 it would leave home and you would barely hear from it until the day you die?
Maybe it’s because given the choice now I would choose not to have been born. Don’t get me wrong I have accepted that I do exist and there’s no way around that without hurting those close to me so I am at peace with it and make a point of living life to the full. I enjoy my life, I have a great family, fantastic adopted nieces that I would die for, I love my husband and my life is very fulfilled and varied, but due to having a very high IQ (resulting in a slight personality disorder) and a strong tendency towards Maths and logic, I struggle with understanding the world, more than most. I can’t cope with all the PC talk instead of people talking about reality, or the banality of everyday conversations about trivia. I can’t understand jealousy or envy, emotional blackmail or people wallowing in self-pity and expecting other people to solve their problems rather than getting up and changing their life themself.
I would hate to think that I had brought a child into this world for it to wish it had never been born. I also have two potentially genetic conditions that I could pass onto a child which would not help it’s life. Also the world is already overpopulated, it’s just that the distribution of the population is wrong.
There are kids out there that already exist that really need a home, and every home that brings a new child into the world removes a place for one of these kids. My choice is to provide a home to kids that already exist and didn’t get a choice in existing but have suffered for the decisions made by so called adults. It takes a very special person to adopt and not everyone has enough love in them to do it. The easy option is to create a child yourself. I’m not one for taking the easy option, I’d prefer to take the option that actually helps society.
Just my views and no criticism to people that have kids, as adults we do what we feel we need to do, it’s just my perspective on things.
Once you have a child, the enormous amount of unconditional love you have for them takes over and you are never quite the same after that. You live and you would die for them. It’s a feeling you will never know until you become a parent. For me, I had my first child because I couldn’t imagine anything more beautiful than creating another human being with my very Best Friend in the whole world. We’ve since had 2 more babies. It’s amazing that God allows us to create our own family. What a wonderful gift, if we choose to accept it.
My husband just told me today that he does not want children. I am torn. The thought of never having children breaks my heart.. but I am left wondering if it is because I want them or because society and the way I was raised decrees I should want them. We have a very comfortable life.
Perplexed.
Are there any parents out there that, given the chance to do it over, would take back having children?
I’m a 37 year old female with no children….yet. My fiance and I both waiver back and forth on the subject.
I would love some honesty from any parents who think they might have been happier not having children.
wow, this is a nice site, it s great to see the different opinions, none are good or bad, if we look at the facts , they are there, for parents and people who desire kids, its the best thing in their life, for people who dont want, such is their decisions, i guess if we all want no kids, in a 100 years, the show will be over, maybe the plantet does need a break, but that she will tell us in time, i guess people should do as their hearts tell them and remain honnest in their decisions, trying to look at all the facts without getting emotionnally involved.. good luck and enjoy no matter what you do… vaya con dias freddy
dios..
people have kids for a reason u should all know that there is no future without kids if dont have one well its ur choice somepeople dont adopt teenager for a strong reason they ur already going to be an adult and what happen to them u cant help becuz they have their all ready have mentality to do what want causa of the parents they follow thier distructive pattern they hurt the adoptive person trying to help by stealing and doing drugs ,etc
I don’t think having kids is selfish, and I don’t think you’re selfish if you choose not to have kids. But, I do think asking someone the difference between having a baby and a teenager isn’t really an accurate way to detect whether or not they really want children. A lot of parents may not love all 16 year olds, but they love their own 16 year old. Having a baby is quite different because babies are relatively clean slates; teenagers have developed into active participants in the world. It’s just not even a good comparison. I think to each their own.
I’m a 30 year old male and to be honest, I’m still unsure about whether I should have children or not.
Sometimes I get the feeling that something’s missing in my life and obviously the first thing that comes to mind is children. Well, maybe not “obviously†but that’s my case.
That said, I don’t think that’s a very good reason to have children. You should have children because you want to, not because you think something’s missing or to fill a void in your life.
I can’t deny that every now and then I daydream about having a little daughter, but I guess that’s a common dream to some people.
Sometimes I feel immature when I find myself thinking about children! They are not a new house or a new car that you buy and get bored of a few years. They are forever and they are human beings.
Something else to remember is that they’ll grow up. They’ll only be children for a few years. Before you know it, they are going to be teenagers trying sex, drugs and who knows what else and there’s nothing you can do to keep them safe. They are going to do it anyway and actually, you are the one giving them the money for it.
Just as I write this, an interesting question came to me: Would I have children if they were born as 12 year old teenagers? Would you? Put this way, I think my answer is a big NO.
Then again, there’s still something missing in my life and I know the idea of having children will come back, as it always does.
To Kate……who replied on January 3rd….I wonder if you may still check after this much time for a response. I hope So. I love my children, I really do, but……… the Daydreams I used to have about my perfect little family blew up in my face 😦
I have three. When my first son was born I was elated…….then……reality set in. His father was distant and emotionally unavailable 😦 I was usually doing all the work of taking care of this little person. I thought things would change, though. I wanted a little girl that would be close to my sons age,so he would have someone to be close to, so she came along shortly after him. Nothing changed with their father and our relationship along with our Finances suffered. I was done having children and losing myself in the role as Mommy. Thats all I seemed to be. The wife part flew right out the window. I was unhappy with my life,my husband,my body, and……my children most of the time (while I never stopped loving them). Then the unimaginable.I got pregnant by mistake. We already had a rocky relationship and the finances couldn’t be stretched any further. We had piled up Credit Card Debt and my husband would not take responsibility for anything. In a way I blamedmyself. My husband hadnt wanted children. I was the one who burdened our relationship by having three quite back to back from my own somewhat selfish reasons of wanting the “perfect” little family. So, all in all, although I love my children, I ( and my relationship) will NEVER be the same. We are trying to make it work and it is a long and rocky road. I wish I would have waited longer after getting married and testing out the marriage to have A child.I wish I had only had my first son and not have wanted to give him a “friend” to grow up with right away. I wish I had not made a mistake and had a third child knowing my marriage couldn’t handle it. I wish….I wish….I wish….But all I can do Is provide as best I can for them, no matter what happens with their father and I.After all, I love them, and owe it to them. I made the decision to bring them into the world and I must make it the best world I can give.
This is a very relevant discussion for me, as for a lot of people, I suppose.
I’m 34, with 4 cats, a dog and a husband (not necessarily in that order). My husband says he doesn’t want kids, mainly because he’s afraid of passing on depression, he doesn’t want to lose the stage we’ve finally gotten our lives to, he would want to move so the kid could grow up in a better school system… And a very large part of it is that he is a special ed teacher and he sees what the parents go through and that scares the bejesus out of him.
Me- I’ve always kind of been fine with putting it off, but now I kind of have to decide (being a Gemini, not something I’m great at…). I’m fairly okay with not having a kid. I think I’m mostly “afraid” of missing out on that uncomparable bond everyone talks about. I love kids (teenagers not so much- but apparently you just go with the flow), but can just borrow my friends kids.
Money is a huge issue. My job pays very little, and my husband is a public school teacher. ‘Nuff said. I know the money “gets reshuffled”, but we’re stretched pretty thin as it is, and I am concerned it would put a huge strain on a family.
I really don’t think it’s a selfish or unselfish issue, and I find it interesting that people throw judgement around so easily about something that is such an important decision.
We would both be great parents- my husband’s fears aside. There just seem to be so many variables. My husband did come home the other day asking if we could name the kid Iggy, so I think he’s getting used to the idea. I’m still not sure.
So that’s where I’m at. I really think this a great discussion and am thrilled to have found it. Thanks!
Oh, yeah, and that whole birth thing… scares the crap out of me! 🙂
At the moment im undecided about having kids and im finding this blog very useful. So thanks to all of u. My husband is as undecided as i am and i’m not sure if the decision will ever be made. Trouble is im starting to feel the clock ticking. I am 27 and he is 37. Fertility declines at 30 for females and 40 for males. Up until a year ago i was closer to deciding against kids, however thats starting to change. Im stuck wondering if thats because im genuinley broody or is it because im worried i’m missing out! Everyone in my social circle has had kids excluding a few nieces under 16. I was recently told by an aunt to ‘get a move on if u dont want to die lonely!’
I’m also curious about being pregnant and the sensations that everyone describes. I would like to know what it feels like. Im aware that on its own thats a rather silly reason to committ yourself to another person for at least 18 years. However the curiosity just wont go away.
Is there anybody else out there who feels this overwhelming curiosity too?
Ive asked tonnes of people their reasons for having kids but nobody has given me this reason. Did they feel the same way and not want to admitt it or is it just me?
I was searching for someone with the same conflicts. When I talk to people with kids they either embrace it and are very happy with the situation or some are overwhelmed by it and possibly don’t tell too many people because it is frowned upon to feel this way.
I feel exactly as LMB but I also feel trapped in a world where no-one seems tolerant of someone undecided and usually very critical of someone who chooses not to.
I do not feel the biological pull that I hear about. I am enticed by the idea of raising a child but it could put an end to a career that took many years to get into and I’m still working on becoming “established”. I love my work and don’t want to give it up. I’m also surrounded by fears on this issue. Too many. And I thought logically that it would be best to tackle the issues one at a time to make them go away so that I could make a decision without all of the fear issues but that’s not working out too well. The fears include family issues (abusive father that I’m no longer in contact with), back and hip pains that would probably worsen in childbearing/birth, fear of pregnancy and giving birth anyway, fear of not being able to manage a heavy career and raising a child, fear of not having very much family support, fear of old anger issues coming up… and just a general fear that it’s not for me and the only way to really know is to try it. I absolutely dread being jusdged about my parenting abilities by people in my life. The job issue is real as we have two incomes and two loads of tuition loans. We’re scraping by. How do people do it?
Then the other side of me knows I would be a good parent, maybe even wants kids, has at least one name decided on, has ideas on how I would raise this child… but I too take seriously the issue of the population of the world. It’s a very real problem, as is all of the children in need of adoption.
I’m 35 and STILL haven’t decided. God, I hope I don’t regret my decision, whatever it is. And I pray that if I do decide I want them that I don’t decide too late.
Good luck to all of you.
I think that if someone does decide to have a kid, it should be because she (and her partner) wants one, not because of pressure from family or friends. Of course, I’m fairly fortunate that most of my family has stopped bugging me about it- I get really annoyed when someone tries to shove their wants onto me. Just because you don’t have a child does not mean you are going to die lonely (although it is something that goes through my mind from time to time), just as having a child doesn’t mean you are going to die fulfilled. It’s not at all fair for someone to try to scare you into having kids.
As for being judged about parenting skills- screw ’em! Everyone’s a critic and I think the best thing we could do for our kids is to teach them how to sanely handle unwanted and unjust criticism.
Fears can be worked on. I think knowing is half the battle. As long as you are aware of what you fear, you have an edge up on it. You can go into it knowing what to watch for and remembering to step back and take a look at why you are reacting to something a certain way. Nobody’s perfect, you can only try to be the best you can (yeah, that came across a little weird, but you know what I mean)…
Fear of the physical pain of it all- I hear you there! Yikes. But, women have been doing it for this long, with back pain and all, so I think that can be dealt with. I have sciatica and know that would be a great time! 🙂
All of this said, I still am no closer to a decision, although today I’m leaning more toward a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Most days, it seems like I’m below a 5, with the occasional bout of “I do want a kid!” thrown in there just to keep me on my toes.
Sorry about the second posting again…
Also screw the people who are not “tolerant of someone undecided and usually very critical of someone who chooses not to”.
If they are so gung-ho for you to have a child, maybe they would like to donate all that time and money it’s going to take. They should be supportive of someone who is taking this decision seriously and isn’t going to pop another kid into the world just because she can.
This decision is yours and your partner’s, nobody else’s (not that that’s so great sometimes 😉 )
Hang in there! Neither one is necessarily bad.
I’m 40 years old, 15 weeks pregnant with my first child and still totally ambivalent about the kid thing. Terrible, I know. Less than a year ago, my husband and I decided to give it a try with the caveat that if we were unsuccessful, we would give up completely or adopt. I am the youngest of 4 and have never really been into babies or children. Mostly, because I believe they are smarter than adults and know it. They can sense a phony from a mile away. They are really quite intimidating. Well, even though I was over 40, within 3 months I was pregnant. We had a scare about 2 weeks ago when the first genetic screening came back with a 1 in 23 chance of Downs Syndrome. We were upset but part of it was the concern that I had gone through 3 months of pregnancy for nothing and might have to start all over. I just received the results of the CVS yesterday. No Downs and the baby is a boy. I was elated for a few hours but now I am back to the ambivalence.
My first friend to have a baby was all about the baby, couldn’t wait.
My second friend was more “ambivalent”, to use your term, salissav. She’d never particularly liked kids, didn’t really have the “maternal instinct”, and all that.
As soon as she had that kid, she was hooked. She’s actually part of the reason I’m considering it. She is so smitten with her daughter.
Chances are you’ll be fine as soon as you have your baby (well maybe the first few months will be tough 🙂 ). It sounds like a really difficult thing, but so worth it to see this tiny little thing develop a personality.
I am 37 and have been ignoring the issue, to have or not to have… My husband, 43 would rather not as we are raising his two kids from a previous relationship. They are teenagers. He just told me the other day that he was now “on board” if i wanted to have kids. Now he keeps talking about it and it is making me think hard. i am so scared but all of my same age friends tell me that when your baby arrives it is the best thing that has ever happened to you. I am that person that has always loved my freedom, love to travel, but I feel like there is something missing in my life. I think it might be me being a mother!!!! I am scared to make that commitment. I’m a Gemini:) How do you decide. Either way i guess my life is good!
I’m a thirty year old man and am in the unpleasant situation of potentially having to break up with the woman I love because I neither want nor have ever wanted children. I’ve been completely honest to my partner about it from the start, the first date in fact and although she said initially that she would just have to get used to it if she wanted to stay with me, in the last few weeks we started talking about moving in together and she’s changed her mind, she keeps trying to persuade me to change mine. I had a terrible childhood and like to feel in control of my personal circumstances as a result, a child would take away that freedom of choice. Also, I have many unfulfilled ambitions, things I’ve dreamed of doing for as long as I can remember and if I was to become a father, I’d have neither the time nor the money to do those things. I am sure that I would feel resentment as a result.
A few years back I had a relationship with a woman who had children and I got on great with them, they liked me and I them but the crux of it was that I really didn’t enjoy doing ‘kid’ things, I played with them, read to them, took them to the park but by the end of the weekends I was desperate just to get away and enjoy my own space and time. Basically, selfish as this might sound, I found the things that entertained children bored me stiff. I gave it a good shot but it didn’t work out and the relationship ended on good terms.
My partner and I are in a catch 22 situation now, I’ve told her that if she wants children then she must find a man who’s willing, fall in love and have children with him (the prospect of losing her breaks my heart but letting her go to achieve what’s important to her would be the only truly loving thing I could do) but she says she loves me and doesn’t want children with anyone else. Tonight we sat and discussed the issue with her parents and they, whilst saddened by it all, agreed that we’re left with one option, if either of us compromises we’d have to compromise entirely and that would probably lead to resentment further down the line. I’ve told my partner that if she wants proof of my commitment I’d happily marry her and give her everything I can, bar children. I’d take her round the world, make our home beautiful and treasure her until the day I die. I’ve suggested that she spend some time around babies and children of different ages to really ascertain in her mind whether it’s what she wants, as up to now she’s never really had any contact with them and I suspect she idealises the experience without understanding the true implications. If, at the end of it, she still really wants children then we’ll have to seperate. I respect people’s decisions to have children if they and their spouses really want them, I just know that I don’t. My advice to anyone who really does: Make sure your partner really does too BEFORE you cohabit and before you marry. Finding out now that it’s more important to my partner than I suspected has left me in a miserable and tragically sad predicament. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone who I could love the same as I do her as I’ve never loved anyone so much in the past.
Just wondering how things turned out with you and your significant other. I am in a similar difficult situation right now with my husband, with the exception that up until about two months ago he had always indicated he wanted to have kids, talked about names, day care, being a stay at home dad, and even was the one to set a date to start trying (supposed to have been after Thanksgiving). I was scared and not sure if I was ready yet, but always thought deep down that I would have kids. Now he says he has decided he doesn’t want them after all, doesn’t want the responsibility/worry, doesn’t want to give up his freedom and free time and take on such a big commitment. I have no idea what to do! I’m not sure if this is something it is possible for us to work through… he is the one I love and the one I want to have children with, not anyone else. I don’t know if there is any chance he may change his mind and certainly don’t want to make a decision based on that assumption if it turns out to be incorrect. I am 29 (soon to be 30) and know I have some time before biological obstacles become a real issue, but I really don’t know how to begin to process this. I don’t want kids just because it’s what’s expected or because I have some idealized conception of what it would be like; I know it will be a ton of work and a lifelong commitment and sometimes unpleasant (babysat my neice enough times to know that), but I also feel like having kids will bring so many other rewards and make me see the world and life in a new and interesting way and devote myself to something bigger than just me. I’m just interested in how your situation turned out since I am in a similar one myself.
My husband and I are having this discussion, again. I told him about a year ago I didn’t want kids and asked if he was okay with that, giving him the option to be with someone else. He said he was, followed with “but I think you will change your mind”. I assured him I wouldn’t…
This weekend he brought it up again, and was adamant about wanting kids. We discussed the pro and cons. I agreed that I would love any child unconditionally and with so much passion, which scares me. Most because I am a worrier and know that I would constantly worry about our child/children, and would be so stressed.
I also like our current lifestyle and freedom. I have a hereditary condition that could make giving birth a risk to me (intercranial pressure) and I could also pass that on to any child we have, it’s sometimes dibilitating.
I do love kids and have seven nieces and nephews that I adore, ages 2 to 16. I am very scared of babies, so I have entertained the thought of adoption, around the age of 6.
My husband’s wants seem to be having a child of his own, that doesn’t seem like the best reason to me. He wants a child he can raise to be proud of, so the argument of “Nature Vs Nurture” comes into play. How much of a child is influenced by the parents and how much is just who they are.?.
Doing reasearch I cam across two books: “I’m okay, you’re a brat” and “The Mask of Motherhood”. I will be buying them today and suggested to my husband that he reads them.
At 27 I have time to decide, but my husband doesn’t feel that he has time to wait…so we will take steps to be educated about having kid’s and raising them.
I don’t want kids and never have. The idea just doesn’t appeal to me. Despite this, I’m a godmother, aunt to my two nieces and unofficial aunt to my friends’ children. There are plenty of children in my life, I just chose not to give birth to any.
That being the case, I heartily resent any suggestion that I lack courage, that I am too selfish or “wrapped up in myself” to become a parent. If I decided to have a child, I’m sure I’d be no better and no worse a mother than most people on here. Every child should be a wanted child, and I absolutely will not bring an unwanted child into this world just because other people think it’s a good idea to do so.
There are many ways to make a positive contribution in this world, and while being a good parent is one of them, it’s not for everyone.
I am feel the same way as you do Katia. (well actually even stronger for not having baby’s).
There are plenty of children as is in the world, and although adopting is difficult it should be something not only people how have difficulties reproducing consider.
Besides humans use a very large amount of natural recourses, I am not sure how many, but would love to know.
I fell that to many people how a days have babies with out putting much thought or consideration on how it will affect them, there family and friends as well as the world as a hole.
So instead of looking upon those of us how chose not to have children as freaks, wimps, or selfish, pleas re-evaluate
In my opinion those of you, how are having children at this time in the world, with out thought, consideration or because you fell that only your biological composition is good enough, are being extremely thoughtless, selfish and inconsiderate.
To those who say that having a child made you have “unconditional love” towards the child, I have a question for you. Does unconditional love mean that you will love that child no matter what he or she turns out to be? For example, if your child grows up and becomes a serial rapist, do you think that the unconditional love will still prevail? A less severe example, if your child fell under the influence of drugs in high school, are you saying the trouble that they put the parents through would never make the parents think “damn… why did i have this child in the first place?” If such thoughts occur frequently in parents, does that still count as unconditional love?
I’m not trying to be insolent… just trying to understand what that term means. It always seems to me that parents DO expect things out of their children… they expect them to be good people, expect them to visit the parents during holidays when they grow older, expect to have some say in their children’s life even when the “child” is 40 years old, expect to be taken care of by the children when they are older (which doesn’t happen as often as the parents like), etc. With all these expectations in mind, how can the love be deemed “unconditional”? One of my favorite quotes from House M.D. and I think is quite profound is “everything’s conditional… You just can’t always anticipate the conditions”. From my experiences (although I don’t have a child and am childfree), this statement seems to hold some truth to it.
I like all the comments. Keep posting it.
My thoughts on the matter:
http://mehrin-shahed.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-is-precious.html
I am 35, in a relationship and struggling with the decision to have kids or not. I have just had a row with my boyfriend because he really wants kids and is frustratd that i can’t give him a definate decision on the matter. I’m finding it a comfort to read that other women have the same fluctuating feelings about it (thank you for this blog).
When i think of the future i really think i would regret not having had kids… but, i am scared of bringing up kids. I am scared that i would end up feeling tied down by them and would end up blaming and resenting them for not having the freedom to do what i want when i want. I would hate for a child to feel that they were anything but welcome in this world. But, I can’t be sure about how i will react. Although it is taboo to say so, I’m sure there are a lot of parents who do feel this way… but may feel guilty for admitting it…. so it’s hard to gauge how frequently this is the case for parents. I do wish this could be discussed more freely in society – i’m sure it would help people make better decisions about whether it was right for them…
Like many of the other people that have posted here, I appreciate all of your comments for and against having kids. Like many of the other people that have posted, I too am conflicted. I am 33 years old and my partner is 35 years old. He has a daughter (not biological) age 13 and a son age 10 from a previous marriage. He also had a 4 year old daughter that he lost to leukemia about 3 years ago. We have been together almost 2 years and have recently been seriously discussing marriage.
When we first started dating, he informed me that he had already had a vasectomy. I had quickly asked if that was something he would consider reversing and he said yes he would consider it. As of this week he informed me that after what he went through with his daughter, he can’t bear the thought of having another child. He also said that he truly enjoys our time together when the kids are at their mothers and he doesn’t want to give that up. He says he told me this because if we choose to move forward in getting married that we need to 100% be on the same page, and if I really want children then he wants to give me the opportunity to find that with someone else. Like many of the other women, I can’t imagine myself having children with anyone else. This raised a very interesting question for me, do I really want children? I can’t seem to answer that question. Some of the added complications in our situation, are the $10k it will cost for a reversal, the fact that neither one of us are crazy about passing our pre-disposed cancerous genes on to a child, but even if we were to adopt, there’s a fair amount of financial concern there as well. Last but not least, by the time we get married and get to that point and the child grows up, we’re pushing 60. I have a lot of friends and family who have children and I can honestly say that 98% of them didn’t “plan” to have a family, it just happened. Sometimes I envy them because they never had to sit down and really MAKE the decision. I feel very blessed, because I do have a wonderful man, and I do love his children and appreciate getting to be an influence in their lives. I also appreciate when they go home and I get one on one time with him.
I am receiving a lot of pressure from my mother and grandfather who have essentially said that my boyfriend is giving me an ultimatum and that he should change his mind and allow me to have children. Worth mentioning is the fact that I’m an only child, so not having children significantly affects them as well.Before my boyfriend ever said anything I knew it would be difficult and expensive for us to have children, and had somewhat resolved that if it were meant to happen it would. There are no guarantees either way in life, even if I decided to leave the love of my life and find someone else to have children with, there’s no guarantee I would find anyone else. Isn’t it more important to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life, children-less then to potentially have children with the wrong person? I’ve never had the deep yearning to have children, matter of fact I only started to consider it within the last 5 years. Should one really decide to have children when they’re so ambivalent about it? Shouldn’t you just “know” that this is what you should do? I would love to hear about the outcomes of those of you who posted a few years ago to see what decisions you eventually came to and how you feel about the outcomes.