Reviewed Five Ways: Reign of Fire

This week, we get a post-apocalyptic monster flick starring Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale. Go here to read about Reviewed Five Ways:

1. Matthew McConaughey has been cast as the dumb blonde for most of his acting career. Sure, he’s played the occasional lawyer (both present day and colonial America), but ultimately he’s onscreen to look pretty and bring in the 18-35 year-old-women. His phlegmatic performance (and appearance-tattoos and a shaved, scarred head) in Reign of Fire seems aimed at changing that trend.
   
2. For me, there’s a minimum level of plausibility required for me to enjoy a science-fiction movie. I have to feel like the screenwriter’s spent some time learning enough about quantum physics or time travel to fool the average layman. Let’s be honest, that gene-splicing shtick in Jurassic Park solidifies our suspension of disbelief. So, Reign of Fire was really pushing its luck trying to convince me that dragons caused the Ice Age.
   
3. Despite their frequent depiction as friendly flying lizards in recent pop culture, the true dragon myth asserts that they’re massive, cruel killing machines. Reign of Fire effectively depicts this fact.
   
4. A review in the Sunday Times correctly described Reign of Fire as “a good bad movie”. Like, say, Cruel Intentions or Final Fantasy, they are guilty indulgences that are fun to watch.
   
5. Reign of Fire is set in England (though shot in Ireland’s County Wicklow) about twenty years in the future. Why, then, does everyone have such good teeth? I speak from firsthand experience when I say that the English aren’t first team material when it comes to dental hygiene. Twenty years of post-apocalyptic dragon-avoidance could hardly help with gum disease and plaque build-up.